awinterbornrose: (Lady)
And onward we go! As usual, snark and commentary in purple.

High school. Purgatory no longer, it was now purely hell. Torment and fire…yes, I had both.

Dear Meyer, would you kindly stfu about high school= purgatory/hell? It’s annoying, and your miserable attempt of making a martyr out of Edward is failing miserably. Also, he could drop classes.

To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks.

No, you did not. It’s called obsession Edward, and by the way, you’re in a massive hole of denial it’s not even funny.

I’d comforted myself with the fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick—just a tiny sting of rejection—compared to mine.

Asshole. He really thinks so highly of himself, I can’t even laugh at him anymore. I’m just getting angry.

Why? What did the change mean? (Bella being friendly when he’s back in school)

You know, not everyone is a selfish, self centered asses. Some people are capable of being nice. Just throwing it out there.
(Yes, I know Bella’s a bitch)

More than a month passed, and everyday it got harder.

And we’re already a month in after the accident? Heaven’s Meyer, I take my LotR parodies more seriously than you do these books.

What is she thinking now?

You know, I always thought that Edward not being a mind reader would have been a better plot idea, at least that way evens out the field.
When she spoke to other human students, I analyzed her every word and tone.

You guys know what I’m about to say, don’t you? The word starts with an “O”.

Who would have ever dreamed that such generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating?

Here’s one of the reason I dislike Edward so much: He’s such a judgmental asshole.
He knows basically nothing of Mike, and here he is, calling him generic and boring. But his standards are crap, for all he knows Mike has no life outside thinking of Bella, funny thing, he’s doing the exact same thing.

And who knows, generic and boring people have grown up to be awesome, you douche bag.

He knew nothing about her.

Nor do you, stop fooling yourself thinking that you do.

He’d created a Bella in his head that didn’t exist—a girl just as generic as he was.

Actually Edward, he’s doing her a BIG favor with that. Just saying.

Ps. You’re doing the same thing, by the way.

He hadn’t observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart from other humans, he didn’t hear the abnormal maturity of her spoken thoughts.

What unselfishness, she moving to Forks? No, Edward, no. That isn’t unselfishness, that’s being a wanna be martyr. Bravery, why? Not saying out loud that she hurt her head just to avoid being a bother isn’t bravery. It’s being stupid, I should know.

Abnormal maturity? My ass. She’s an immature, whinny, selfish brat. I’d wish you could hear her thoughts.

Bella was good.

How in the seven levels of hell are you capable of knowing that?! She’s just having a motherfucking conversation! That’s not being good.
Being a good person involves more that “pretend to care” about other people. It actually involves caring about other people, no matter who they are. She isn’t a good person, you asshole. No good person compares other to dogs, stereotypes people without knowing them, mocks or disrespect his/her parents… oh man I’m angry. Have to move on.

Kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave—she was good through and through.

Yeah right she is.

I frequently amused myself by imagining backhanding him across the room into the far wall… it probably wouldn’t injure him fatally…
And teen girls and grown up women think this is the perfect boyfriend. That he’s so good. God helps us all.

And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Bella’s indifference. As I ignored her, she ignored me.

Well, that would logical, no? You’re a jerk and you expect her to fawn over you when you ignore her? Psst, yeah right. (I know, I know Breaking Dawn)

“Bella’s going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal.” Alice said

Holy crap, precise much Alice? Also, what’s up with Meyer always give a precise time for random situations like this?

She pouted. Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Bella.

Two things: 1.- Alice, you could go and introduce yourself and try to form said friendship.
2.- Alice is anxious that her vision could fail.
Yeah, I don’t like Alice, can you tell?

And a few moments latter we have the Twilight Scene where Mike tries to get Bella to ask him to the dance.

She didn’t look away, though I stared with inappropriate intensity, trying vainly to read her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes.

Who talks like this? And what’s up with Meyer’s love for liquid eyes?

“What?” She finally said. “Are you talking to me again?” There was an edge of resentment that was, like her anger, endearing.

Only you Edward could find anger and resentment endearing. But seriously, how did you expect her to react? You ignored her for a freaking month!

“I’m being very rude, I know. But it’s better this way really.”

Care to specify what are you talking about?

“It’s better if we’re not friends.”

Oh that. Well, honestly, someone treats me like Edward did for a month and says this out of random, I’d agree.

“Regret? Regret for what? I demanded.
“For not letting that stupid van squish me!” she snapped.

Ok, drama queen much Bella? Seriously, why does she think the world hates her so much it would be better off without her?

Explain Meyer, explain please.

“You think I regret saving your life?”
“I know you do,” she retorted.

Hades spare me. Can someone explain to me why she thinks she's such a burden? Remember what I said about good people? Yeah, she’s not looking good, is she?

“Thank you,” she said in a cold, severe voice.
Her tone brought back my irritation.
“You’re welcome,” I said just as coldly.

Then again, Eric and Tyler try to have Bella take them to the dance and incur in Edward’s pity, ‘cause he’s an asshole like that.

I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so. He seemed tediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Bella’s preferences?

What did I said about average people? And Edward, measuring them at your standards doesn’t make you any more likeable, it makes you an arrogant asshole.

I was repulsed with myself as I watched toss again. How was I any better than some sick peeping tom? I wasn’t any better. I was much, much better.

On the plus side of this, he admits it. On the down side, creepy as fuck.

I slid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame. I would have to find some oil for next time…

See my previous statement. Done? Ok, now fetch your strongest liquor of choice.

I went to sit the old rocking chair in the far corner of the room.

Because that’s not creepy at all. Right, guys? Tequila, my good friend, welcome back.

I could not understand why I had not found her beautiful immediately.

Because you’re a massive jerk? And because you are suddenly in love with Bella?
I don’t know.

She was dreaming of me, and it wasn’t even a nightmare.

Well no shit, Sherlock. I read Twilight, you know? We all know this is “The Greatest Love Story Ever ToldTM”, and it’s also the one where “They Fall In Love At First Sighttm” and of course: “Boy Meets Girl, Boy Is A Jerk To Said Girl Until He Saves Her And Realizes He’s In Love.”

So, of course she's dreaming of him.

My self, also, had frozen as it was—my personality, my likes and dislikes, my moods and my desires; all fixed in place.

Well now, look at what we have here. So you are no better than those teens you’ve been criticizing, you’re worst. At least they will grow up and be responsible adults, man it must really suck for you Edward.

Ironically, this bit makes me like Emmett a bit more, why? Because he’s a lighthearted guy you want to hang with. And now that I think about it, it makes me dislike Alice even more.

I loved her, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her.

You know Edward, had you done so, it would probably be the most unselfish thing you’ve ever done. Either I’m feeling nice or the tequila is finally hitting me.

I watched her sleep until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting and breathing.

Yeah, totally not creepy. [Mind my sarcasm]

“Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.”

Why are you like this Edward? Why do you have to use thinly veiled insults to her?

You don’t endear yourself to people by doing this.

“Bella, you are utterly absurd” I snapped.

Ok, I should point out that Bella’s angry that Edward is seemly enjoying her being uncomfortable and laughing in her face. She again, repeats that Edward wants her dead (that he’s trying to annoy her to death), cue him being a pmsing douche.

Seriously Edward, not even at my worst pms or menstrual pains am I such a bitch that I laugh at other people (unless someone is joking around).

“But can your truck make it there on one tank gas?”

He’s trying to give her (Bella) a ride to Seattle, while insulting her car.

“It would be more… prudent for you not to be my friend.”
Note that it’s you who’s talking to her and stalking her.
“You really should stay away from me,”

Make up your fucking mind, yes?

Guys, this snarkfest might kill me. Or at the very least drive me over the edge, hope you guys enjoy my descent to madness. Any thoughts?

Date: 2017-04-29 09:20 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] swiftsnowmane
swiftsnowmane: (Unicorn at the Fountain)
I really f*cking hate Meyer's version of vampires. Or should I say, Waahhh-mpires? :P

Date: 2017-04-29 10:28 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] swiftsnowmane
swiftsnowmane: (Unicorn at the Fountain)
Hehehe, I'm sure there are soooo many nicknames that could apply....

And yeah... her 'vampires' are awful for so many reasons as well, it's not just the sparkly thing. Honestly, the sparkly thing is probably the best/most interesting thing about them, lol. It's moreso that they seem so boring and insufferable and pointless ... blehhhh. (For instance, I totally agree with you about Alice's 'powers' being soooo contrived and silly.) I also find it bizarre and vaguely disturbing that SMeyers seems to see them as these sort of 'moral' characters. And tries to equate them with angels and whatnot. O.o

Date: 2017-05-02 08:08 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] swiftsnowmane
swiftsnowmane: (Unicorn at the Fountain)
Haha, yes, exactly -- the sparkly thing is the most unintentionally hilarious description of a 'vampire'. The mental image is just ....lmao. (I don't know if you've ever seen the RiffTrax take on Twilight, but every time I think about one of Meyer's vampires sparkling, I hear the Benny Hill theme that they play as Edward is running up the hill to show Bella his sparkliness. XD )

And's aggravating to read her insistence on the various characters' 'goodness'. As you say, it's all just tell and no show. And because her so-called narrators in question (Bella and Edward) are both so poorly written in general, even the 'tell' is just totally unconvincing.

Date: 2017-05-02 10:47 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] swiftsnowmane
swiftsnowmane: (Unicorn at the Fountain)
It's been years since I saw the whole thing, but here's a 'best of' compilation:


Date: 2017-05-02 11:07 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] swiftsnowmane
swiftsnowmane: (Unicorn at the Fountain)
Oh, and here's the scene I was referring to:

...and another, because reasons. ;D

Date: 2017-05-04 09:45 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] swiftsnowmane
swiftsnowmane: (Unicorn at the Fountain)
The whole thing is great, but their take on Edward's song is absolutely ICONIC. X'D

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