A little frustrated

[awinterbornrose]

 I have to confess that I'm a little annoyed.

I found the draft for an old children's story today, and it's about a princess and a talking dragon. What frustrates me is, that before all this crap (and by that I mean my migraines) happened, I used to write a lot, a HELL of a lot more than I do now. And now, it just feels like I barely remember what I do in the day, and barely coming up with little drabbles here and there.

It's incredibly annoying. I miss my old brain, I miss to be able to write without having to overthink, I miss not needing a prompt table or a list, I miss creating as freely as I used to do, I miss not struggling to write 500 words. I just... I don't know, I feel like crap.

Comments

[swiftsnowmane]

Wow, once again, I relate completely. I wish I could offer some helpful advice, but I'm currently stuck in the same boat for the most part. For over a year now, I've struggled to complete *anything*. I start things, but just can't even get them to a semi-completed state. And it's largely because of the sheer amount of thought and concentration that it requires. It's just...not coming to me easily. And the thing is, I don't expect perfectly-written works to just flow out of me. But I *do* sort of need to truly *feel* what I'm writing at a given time. And even with subjects I am more passionate about, it's like... either the spark is not there, or its buried under a huge amount of self-doubt and lack of confidence in my ideas. I often burn out before I even begin, because all I can think is 'what's the point?' Since it takes such great effort for me to even think of and compose (fan)fiction these days, I start to wonder if I will even have an audience for it once its done. I know that this shouldn't influence me, but sadly sometimes it does...

[awinterbornrose]

Oh I hear you. It's so hard some days, isn't it? And it's incredibly frustrating because you know you can, after all, you did it before right? And now it's so hard to do even the smallest of things when it comes to writing.

"I start to wonder if I will even have an audience for it once its done."

OMG this so much! I usually don't write much for popular ships, SanSan is my big one, and everything thing else it's just, good luck!

And don't worry about not being able to offer advice, just this little note counts for me, so thank you.

[swiftsnowmane]

Aww, yeah, the frustration does stem from that -- knowing you have been able to do it before, and wanting so badly to recapture that. I've heard so many different and varying advice on this matter. Some say not to push yourself too hard if you are feeling like this; others say to push yourself to write every day no matter what! D:

Personally, I feel that if there is indeed some sort of mental and/or emotional block that is preventing one from writing, one cannot get past it without first figure out what it is, and where it is stemming from. For instance, my concern about not having an audience -- is this simply some kind of fear of rejection? Or perhaps it is deeper than that. I have thought about this a lot in recent times, and I think that perhaps what is happening is that my writing so often comes from a deep and genuine and emotional place inside me, and thus posting it publicly is much more than simply exposing my *writing* abilities to criticism. It's more that I'm wary of putting a piece of *myself* 'out there' and making myself vulnerable to complete strangers....who may or may not resoundingly reject me.

While criticism (and rejection) is an expected part of a writer's life and maybe shouldn't always be taken to heart, in the case of fanfiction, this is sometimes a different story. Because some people (myself included) use fanfiction as an expression of our love for the characters , yes, but also as a sort of therapeutic activity (in a much more overt way than one might approach writing something for publication, I mean). It's also done completely for free, with no monetary compensation (obviously), and thus the only form of 'payment' ever received are the comments and reviews themselves. Which sort of gives them more emotional weight, in some way.

When it comes down to it, fandom is really supposed to be about connection -- connecting with like-minded fellow fans over mutual shared interests and passions. So one always hopes that one's fic will help with this side of things. That someone will read it and say 'wow, this was so much like my own headcanon for this character' (or something similar). But you can never please everywhere, and there will always be someone who might be totally offended by one's depiction. This is why we have tags and warnings on our fics, so at least people can make informed decision about what they choose to read. But still, there is always that nagging concern that the fic might not achieve this fandom goal of connection.

These are just my musings on this subject. I still don't know for sure if these elements contribute to my own personal inability to write sometimes, but I think they might. Because I have been starting to think that its less about not being able to write at all (because I *can* write, in small segments at least), but more about convincing myself to expend my very limited emotional and mental energy on something that, if put out into the world, might just end up causing me pain at some point down the line.

[awinterbornrose]

Agreed. For me, personally, I have two things going against me: my chronic illness, which is being a literal pain. And the lack of feedback. It's specially the second one that makes me go "why bother?" when I don't get a single comment on my fics. And to be honest, I'm not sure why I actually bother sometimes.

But also my illness has been unmerciful, my head is not the same it was years before and, I'm deeply unhappy with my current lot, which makes me both incredibly depressed and frustrated. Which in turn, makes me unable to write happy or not unhappy fics.

But I hope it improves, as I'm actively trying to do better.

[swiftsnowmane]

Aww, yes, in the case of the migraines, that is indeed something you can't just analyze away. :( I'm so sorry you are going through that -- I experience tension and stress headaches (if I have one in a morning or afternoon, it can destroy any chance of doing anything creative or productive for that entire day), and those are painful and debilitating enough as it is, so I can only imagine how incredibly awful and frustrating it is to be having frequent migraines. *gentle hugs to you*

The feedback thing is another one that is hard to just push through, because it is, well, dependent on other people. And imo, getting feedback from a beta is not always helpful either, as they are reading with a critical/helpful eye, rather than just outright appreciation. I wonder if it could help to share bits and pieces with people we trust (friends, not just betas), and get regular feedback that way, just so that it doesn't feel like we are writing into a complete void the whole way through. I sometimes hate to feel like I'm begging for reassurance from people, but at the same time.... sometimes it really is the only way to keep going.

[awinterbornrose]

Yeah, migraines have had a rather devastating effect on my life. If I get one, I spend several days, dazzled, with a heavy head and other after effects, so goodbye productivity. Thank you for the hugs, hugs to you too, stress headaches aren't a walk in the park either.

Tell me about it, I occasionally get Kudos, but rarely a comment. I actually created an account for my fics separated from this one, since I wanted to concentrate on fics on their own there; and joined an ASOIAF writing community, so I'm hoping some creativity hits.

I sometimes hate to feel like I'm begging for reassurance from people, but at the same time.... sometimes it really is the only way to keep going.

Amen.

[swiftsnowmane]

Such a heartbreaking situation for you, I am so incredibly sorry you have to go through this. :'(

And having an account just for fics actually makes sense. I'm so glad you found that asoiaf writing community as well, I hope it helps a bit.

I also just encountered a community on here called 'write this fanfic'. I don't know if it would helpful at all, but here's the link just in case! :)

https://writethisfanfic.dreamwidth.org/

[awinterbornrose]

Thank you, I won't deny it's been hard, but you know, I have to keep going. Not going to quit.

Yeah, I'm much more organised that way if I'm honest. The asoiaf comm is managed by a friend, so I know it's a safe bet.

I will check the community, thank you!

[swiftsnowmane]

I'm so glad you aren't giving up! I have really enjoyed the fics and poems of yours that I've read! :)

And I may or may not participate in that comm at some point, too -- for now, just keeping an eye on it and seeing how it goes. :)

[awinterbornrose]

Yeah, I just honestly can't give up. And thank you, I appreciate it!

Nice, I'm also keeping my eye on it too.